Exposed.

The past two days I've been on the verge of tears and don't know why. I used to cry all the time, over little things. Random outbursts to relieve stress. But lately I never cry. Ever. It took a lot out of me to show any sign of emotion when my grandma passed away, and I was devastated inside. But now, I want to cry, I just can't. Maybe I've learned to control my emotions and now I'm prone to holding back tears. Maybe it's because I don't know the reason behind it that I can't just let go.

My heart feels heavy, cracked, stressed. So many emotions constantly pile up I'm waiting to have that random explosion. I've tried so hard to keep composure in all situations because being vulnerable allowed me to be continuously hurt in the past. I want to be strong, smart, cautious. My wall is up. Torn between listening to my conscious or following my heart. I'm losing control. When everything is good its good, but its all those in between moments that lead me to wonder. And so I think.. and think.. and think some more. My brain is processing all aspects of my life and trying to make sense of it all. I'm a mess of emotions, trying to take back control.

“If you haven't cried, your eyes can't be beautiful.” - Sophia Loren